


Cognitive Dissonance

by scarecrowstories



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Recovery, Sibling Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19397056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarecrowstories/pseuds/scarecrowstories
Summary: Taako still struggles with the two versions of himself: the one with Lup and the one without. Some days the guilt of that is crushing him, but luckily he has the best twin in the world to help comfort him.





	Cognitive Dissonance

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy ny'all I will continue to write angsty garbage until folks start sending me happier prompts because when left to my own device This is simply My Brand.

Taako looked at Lup and understood the meaning of home. In her face, nearly identical to his own, he saw truths he'd long forgotten. Every feature was so intimately familiar to him from the moment his memories returned that his stomach lurched any time he remembered he'd gone over a decade without her. And yet some days he couldn't shake the cognitive dissonance. 

She could be standing right in front of him with a smile on her face, holding his hand, and his brain would still fight against accepting that this was real. He was getting better at staying grounded in reality, but at first it had been hard. Between the back-to-back trauma of Wonderland and the Hunger, the hundred years of memories returning, and Lup's own struggles adjusting to being freed, the two of them had spent the first few months after their reunion as utter messes.

The entire first week after she got her body back they'd been completely inseparable. It had been like when they were small children, scared and alone in the world, clutching at one another for reassurance. Their family understood how important it was to let them have this closeness in the wake of their victory, and so they were given space. Barry had explained to Kravitz that this happened with them after any cycle where one of them died, as well, and that they would be fine in time. 

Even now, almost a year later, they still had difficult days. Today the twins were laying in Taako's large bed, limbs tangled together as they sought the only comfort they'd always known. 

Except that was precisely the problem: Taako had forgotten. The early morning sun was bathing the room in a warmth at odds with the cool breeze coming in through the window. It was peaceful in spite of the cloying anxiety that drove them to each other's arms.

"It's not your fault," Lup said after a while, her hand absently stroking his hair. "We've been through some truly singular shit, and all we could do was our best." She pulled him closer, letting him drink in their shared warmth to ground himself. 

Taako let out a shaky breath. "I just feel so fucking guilty, Lulu. Some days I wake up and I'm the Taako who forgot it all and then halfway through the day, boom -- suddenly my brain is like hey dipshit you saved the world and also have the most amazing sister who you totally forgot again until just now!" He let her continue petting his hair while her other hand reached for his; he quickly entwined their fingers. "It just sucks."

She hummed in agreement. "Yeah, I still wake up in a panic sometimes thinking I'm back in the umbrastaff. Our brains are sick, but that's why we gotta talk about it together like this, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know. But why aren't you angry? I'd be pissed if every time we hung out there was a fifty-fifty shot at you not recognizing me." He sounded equal parts annoyed at her for being so compassionate and mad at himself for still having this problem. Fear gripped his heart; he didn't deserve the grace she extended so effortlessly, wasn't worth the effort of being reminded so frequently, so laboriously. It was a chore, and he felt like a burden for imposing it.

At that, Lup chuckled. "Well you wouldn't be angry at me, just the circumstance, right? Same here. I know forgiving Lucretia is a touchy subject for you, and I really get it, but Taako? This kind of pain is exactly what she was trying to take away." She squeezed him for a moment and tried to meet his eyes, but still he dodged her glance.

Of course she was right. He could never be angry at Lup the way he was expecting her to be mad at him.

Taako went silent for a few moments, tucking his head firmly under Lup's chin and breathing her in, focusing on her heartbeat. "It wasn't her choice to make," he said, voice so small Lup almost missed it.

"I know," she answered. They spent the next hour not talking at all, simply laying in one another's arms. 

Eventually, Taako whispered, "Are you happy?" He'd gone still in her embrace, cautious to break the calm that had settled between them.

Lup pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "Right now? Completely. We're safe, we're together, we have a roof over our heads. In general?" She paused to think about it. "Yeah, I'd say so. Obviously not all the time, but you know. We still have our family and we're in love with two total nerds. And this world isn't gonna be eaten, so that's cool, too."

Chuckling, Taako pulled back to grin up at her; he knew she was rambling like that to cheer him up. "Okay, good, I just had to hear you say it."

"What about you? Are you happy?"

He froze. Was he? All the reasons she'd listed for her own happiness were true for him too, but there was still the gnawing uncertainty at the edges of his memories. He hated knowing that any moment his brain could betray him and he could get lost in thoughts that he was the Taako who'd never known her. The sad, lonely Taako who was rough on the surface from years fending for himself on the road, distrustful of everything and everyone. The aloof Taako who longed for companionship but wouldn't dare let his yearning be known. 

The Taako who had fallen in love with Kravitz.

"I dunno," Taako said, dumbfounded by his own response. He wriggled uncomfortably until she moved her arms, letting him roll onto his back. Was he happy? Staring at the ceiling certainly wasn't going to provide the answer. "I don't know who I am anymore, Lup." His voice broke slightly, silent tears sliding down his cheek. "I don't know which Taako to be, and I hate it."

Lup reached out to brush his hair from his face to soothe him, but he waved her hand away, avoiding her eyes. "Hey, it's okay, I'm here," she whispered, sitting up. These kinds of breakdowns were still relatively common for the two of them, but she could never get used to seeing her heart laid bare before her like that.

"But, like, that's the fucked up part: I hear you and I see you but I don't believe you sometimes. It just seems too good to be true. I was always alone on the streets, bumming around between caravan gigs. I'm Taako, beloved celebrity chef disgraced by former assistant, turned fugitive. The simple idiot wizard who can't fuckin' do anything right." He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and bit his trembling lip. "Except I'm not! How can I possibly be that same dude?"

Rolling onto his side away from Lup, Taako curled his knees to his chest and cried. This time he did not shrug Lup off when she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "It's too much, it's just too much, I can't--"

"I know," she said with a calm voice. 

"No offense Lulu but no, you don't! You didn't forget! You don't know what it felt like, feeling you l-leave my head!" He took a deep shuddering breath. "I killed Barry, and I didn't even remember who he was, he was just begging me to kill him because forgetting you was so fucking painful! And even though I already didn't know who you were anymore, I got it, I was like hell yeah, dude, I'd rather die too!" Taako sobbed for a few minutes until the energy left him and he went still, sniffling and shoving his face against the pillow.

In that moment Lup was glad that he wasn't looking at her, as it allowed her to wipe away her own tears. In the entire time since she'd been back they hadn't talked about the day he forgot. "Taako, you don't have to--"

"No, I do, because you're the only one I wanna talk to about this shit. Lup, it was the worst feeling I've ever experienced. Worse than dying." Taako moved to sit up as well, hands shaking as he reached for his sister again. "It was about four months after you disappeared. Me and Barry were beside ourselves. We were so tired and desperate, it was awful. We didn't sleep. We couldn't eat." He leaned forward until his forehead bumped against her shoulder.

He'd avoided talking about that day for fear of upsetting her, but it was clear that until he aired the grief, the guilt would continue to plague him. The words were rushing out, his mouth stumbling around them as if the concepts were too big to be spoken. "We were standing on the deck of the ship, and my gods, Lup, it would've broken your heart to see him. He was just slumped over on the table, over the map, and I spooked him, and we were just talking. We were making plans. Looking for you, obviously." 

He choked on his next breath and broke off in a fit of coughing; Lup patted his back, letting her hand linger between his shoulder blades. "Take your time," she said, trying to make sure he didn't feel pressured. "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. You can tell me whatever you need. I love you."

Nodding, Taako kept his forehead against her and sniffled, wiping at his faces with his hands. "It felt so hopeless. I think some part of us knew all along you were d-dead, but we couldn't… And then he…" Another broken sob. "He said 'what if she's just gone' and you were, Lulu, you already were. I just looked at him. I didn't know who he was talking about, and I didn't know why I was so fucking sad, and you were already gone."

"Taako…"

"And I was panicking! He started begging me to kill him, and I could feel more of myself slipping away, and I couldn't fucking do anything! So I blasted him off the ship, and I watched him die, and it felt like the rest of me went with him." He threw his arms around her waist and gave in to another fit of sobbing, letting himself be soothed by her gentle words as she brushed her fingers through his hair.

It took a long time for him to run out of tears. Eventually when he calmed down, he looked up at Lup and tried to smile. "I know we try to keep things chill but thanks for letting me freak out on you without making it weird."

Lup grinned and blew a raspberry at him. "Come on, you know you needed that. It'd be weirder if you were totally fine with remembering everything like that." She swung her feet off the side of the bed and stood, pulling him with her. The shift in his demeanor meant Taako was done letting himself be vulnerable for the time being, a cue she was accustomed to picking up on. "Let's get some breakfast going, son! What do you want?"

Though his eyes were still red from crying, tear streaked face a mess, Taako tried to match her smile. "Uhh, everything!" he said with enthusiasm. "I'm deffo making omelets with the works, and you know we gotta have some home fries."

"Hell yeah, I'll cover the blueberry pancakes and bacon. Want me to see if everyone else is up yet for any special requests?"

"For sure," Taako answered, rubbing at his face once more. "Gotta make sure we take care of the fam." And as he said it, his heart felt lighter. It was so nice to have his family back, and even nicer that it had grown. Making large breakfasts for the crew had always been a source of joy for him; he loved giving them a pleasant and memorable start to their days. Some cycles it was all they had to look forward to.

Nowadays it was usually a smaller affair, at first being just for himself, Barry, and Lup unless they had guests. And then Kravitz moved in with him, and Angus took up permanent residence in the guest room when he wasn't away at Lucas' school. The house truly felt like a home filled with the love and comfort that he'd craved for so long. 

He knew that they deserved this after all of the suffering, but he still felt like the luckiest elf alive when he saw Angus stumble out of his room in oversized pajamas, messy-haired and sleepy-eyed. Even though he was a different Taako than the one who had met Angus and Kravitz, they still loved and accepted him. Of course they did, he reasoned, he was Taako! But still.

"Good morning, sir!" he greeted, beaming. 

Kravitz walked out behind him, also still in pajamas. "Morning, love. You okay?" He of course knew that the twins had asked for alone time, and was reasonably concerned. Moving a hand to brush along Taako's cheek, Kravitz pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.

Taako nodded and moved to hug them both. If someone told him fifty years ago he'd care for anyone outside of the crew again one day he would've laughed in their face, and yet here he stood with the newest additions to his family, heart full of gratitude and love. "Yeah, Taako's just fine. Now, who wants some breakfast?"

This truly was the ending they'd earned, the worst of their suffering behind them and a full life ahead.

**Author's Note:**

> UHhh,,,, I hope the comfort aspect was enough to balance out the hurt.... hmu and we can be buds!! Let's shout about these nerds!!


End file.
